Choose People That Choose You

I believe that one of our strongest desires in life is to be seen, heard and accepted. We want to know that people can see the good in us and see our good intentions. We want people to empathize with us and maybe even relate to parts of our story. We long to feel safe and welcomed just as we are, flaws and all. So when that doesn't happen, it hurts. 

I turned 47 (that's almost 50) last week and it still hurts. While listening to the book, 'On Being Human' on Apple Books last week, I realized that I still create so much unnecessary misery in my life simply by choosing people who wouldn't pick me in return. At almost fifty years young, I still catch myself from time to time trying to make relationships work with people who constantly reject me, or I find myself pursuing friendships with people who I know aren't healthy for me. 

I sometimes still find myself associating with people who just 'don't feel good'. 

Do you know what I mean? People who- just being in their presence creates a pit in your stomach making you feel anxious, sad, tense or just drained. And when I'm around these people I am often left feeling unworthy, insecure, disappointed, and ....more often than not broken or defective.

I thought I'd be past all of this pettiness by now, being almost a half a century old and all, but nope. It's reared its ugly head again. 

I was taught in therapy a few years ago about the importance of self-care, and not just the eating healthy and getting enough sleep type of self care which is important in and of itself, but self care that includes surrounding yourself with people who not only accept you, but welcome you with all of your flaws, annoyances, and imperfections and mistakes; people who contribute to your happiness instead of taking it away; people who allow you to feel what you're feeling without feeling judged for it; people who allow you to be messy. 

I was forced to look at all the relationships in my life; family relationships, friendships, social media acquaintances, work relationships, etc.. I would write down as many names as I could think of and then my therapist would say that person's name out loud and I had to tell her how that person's name made me feel- physically. Not what I thought of that person, but how they made me feel. Here is a little of what that looked like (names changed to protect identities):

Judy: tight chest, nervous stomach, tense jaw, short of breath

Cathy: pit in my stomach, nervous stomach, headache

Nancy: tight chest, stomach ache, numb arms

Robin: nervous stomach, shoulder tension, jaw clenching

Michelle: nervous stomach, chest tightness, short of breath

I was taught that our nervous systems react to the energies of other people and that I had to listen to that energy and what it was trying to tell me. In some instances, my energy was telling me that a childhood wound had been triggered and I needed to check myself. Other times, my energy was warning me that a certain person didn't have my best interest in mind and I needed to create some serious boundaries. 

Everyone is working through some sort of shit, but relationships of any kind shouldn't feel stressful or confusing. You shouldn't have to armor yourself with steel skin in an attempt to protect yourself from having your confidence stomped on, damage to your self esteem, or being shamed for being who you are. With each person's name I had to ask myself:

When I have any interaction with this person:

-Do I feel like I have to keep my guard up or do I feel relaxed?

-Do I feel comfortable being authentic or do I wear a mask? 

-Do they push me to be better or do they shame me? 

-Do they enhance my life or take away from it?

-Do they heighten my confidence or belittle me?

-Do they speak the truth or are they passive aggressive with their remarks?

If the names were ones that made me feel good inside, the relationship continued. If the name of the person made me feel icky inside, the relationship had to go.

You see, when we are around the right people, it will feel calm and peaceful inside our bodies. There won't be any nervous stomach or jaw clenching, or shortness of breath. There won't be any sadness. The right people will feel good to your nervous system. They are the people who see the beauty in our mess. They are the keepers. 

There is a big difference between just being accepted and being welcomed. God places all sorts of people on our path, maybe it's to help us grow, maybe it's to help us heal, but either way you get to decide what you entertain. You get to decide who you keep in your life and who to give the boot to.

When you practice listening to what your nervous system is shouting at you and how you physically feel around people, you will be better able to recognize which door is your door to walk through and where you will or won't be chosen.